Beauty, Happiness, Terror

I left our town for eight hours today. I traveled to a place which holds nostalgia, love, hate, regret, and loss in my heart. It was near surreal. Fear had kept me from returning to this place longer than any other location from my past. Fear, such a futile and irrelevant emotion which holds such sway on us all. There is nothing to fear once we glimpse from a disconnected perspective and an understanding that all things move on, that we will be fine. What brought me back? What will make a lonely, fearful man brave any torment? What can motivate a man to go through any peril? To throw down their shield and sword, their vice and fallacies? The potential love of a woman of course. The idea that maybe, this beauty will be the one to face the abyss with me. Knights facing dragons, demons, and witches. The metaphor is that those creatures are in our hearts. Men be the knight and whatever abomination guards the yearning of our desire, loitering in our soul, must be defeated before we may claim that which is fairer. 

I was blessed today by our tormenting universe; to begin a journey of knowing another soul. A ray of beauty, of strength, of intellect, desire, and wonder. It feels almost wrong. Lost in the eyes of an angel, five hours of beautiful conversation, of gorgeous company, felt like five minutes. Is that how the old couples who are still deeply lost in the love for each other die happy? Their time together is so infatuating that the universe speeds up and the opportunities for pain are passed by? I do not know, I want to learn.

I felt a pit inside of me erased. The pull of vice wither. I want to drink less, smoke less, exercise, and exercise, and be better. To be worthy, if only to be worthy of her gaze. In my heart I know I am not. Why should such divinity give anything to me? In what way am I deserving of this internal boiling happiness and joy, such peace? She terrifies me. I thought myself strong, cold, distant. She crushed my spirit with a single smile and I fell lost into her eyes. Departing from her was like plunging a dagger into my heart. Standing in the rain watching her go. I paced back and forth and wavered in that parking lot for how long, I don’t know. All I know is I wanted more. Is she a vixen, a goddess, a siren, no. She is an incredible woman. 

I returned to Chico, gitty as a child. My mind occupied with only one thought, the thought of her. I saw the empty streets. Pounded by the rain and wind so aggressive I thought it a metaphor for my want of her company. The lights seemed brighter, the frigid air warmer, the people friendlier. I am happy.